Everything You Ever Wanted

This song has so much meaning to it for 2 people actually; one is my dad and the other is a guy also but no names shall be mentioned. :) It just really was what I did for my dad and what happened. So yea Music is me!


Everything You Ever Wanted
by Hawk Nelson
album: Smile, It's the End of the World (2006)
I walk the line, leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Let's go back in time when I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
It's been so long since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer, wishing you were there
I'm still waiting
You told me once you'd show up, but I fell for that before
I fell to pieces then I woke up to no one
Just a picture of Jesus and a house left in pieces
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
I want you, I need you, I want to believe you
I want you, I need you, I want to believe you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything but you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Life seems to be falling in to place with a few free falls.

I graduated a week ago today..:) So exciting, but then again it was so nerve racking. Thankfully it is over. My dad spoke to my dad the day before and well he wasn't coming due to his wife who hates my guts because of what he did 2 me. If you ever really want to know what happened just call me and we will talk about it. It has happened twice in my life by two men that call me their child, and they call themselves my father. Think About it. Well ok that was thursday before I graduated. Monday of that week we had academic awards. I didn't get my B average award, for comlative award or this year. soo When they went to give out Honor sashes, I was given a ribbion instead of an Honor sash. Lets just say that hurt me badly, cuz I worked my butt off for that sash. Well my mom and Mrs. Howe found me one plus every honors graduate so we could all keep them. Which is exciting. Well I got a laptop for graduation, specking of which I am on it. >) Gateway! We willl write later on my new york trip. On the day of graduation..I received TWO scholarships worth about 3,200 together not much but every little helps. :) Well I got 12oo from USAIRWAYS which the sperm donator works for, and I think about 2000 from Woodlawn. sooo some exciting things that way, God works in mirculous ways. Tuesday I had a appt with an oral surgery cuz I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled the 18th of June. I have to have an MRI for my TMJ and well the doc went to put my insurance though and well my dad has booted me off his insurance or so the person on the phone said...to find out later he has requested me to be taken off his insurance and well I have 30 days to get anything medical done so yea..I will write more later..I am really hungary..just PRAY for me. thanks <33

Church is no a building

College??

Lately I have been really busy with college scholarships and witting essays for all these scholarships. I really like to read Proverbs or Galatians a lot. I was reading over a few verses I knew in Proverbs earlier and well one of the verses means a lot to me but never had I read the verses before.

Proverbs 16:1-3 "People may make plans in their minds, but only the Lord can make them come true. You may believe you are doing right, but the Lord will judge your reasons. Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

I have pretty much made my decision for college and that is Gardner-Webb University. I also think I am gonna come home every other weekend. Money is a real big issue tho. I don't want to have to worry about making ends meet at college. I really only want to worry about my grades and spiritual aspects of college. I plan on not dating in my first year of college, i want to focus on getting into my major and then succeeding in that before trying to get a guy. If the guy is worth my time, then God will have him stick around for me. My grades in high school aren't bad but if i would have focused more on school then on the guys I was dating or wanting to date then maybe my GPA would be a little but higher. I will be graduating with honors but I would really would have liked to be in the top 4 people in my class. I am praying right now that God will show me the way he wants me to go. I also am praying that the money for college will be there and that it also won't be a burden to my parents either. I LOVE JESUS and I am so thankful for HIm dying on that cross for my sins.

Look away from yourself. Seek from God what he alone can do for you. Moral improvement of the old you is not what you need. –John Piper

Ok..I am pretty sure no one reads this. I think this weekend was a big awaken to me regarding God's Will for my life. Things happened with Daniel and I this weekend that opened my eyes, and then things at church. I feel like God is screaming at me telling me."You need to figure out who is in charge, me or you?" I want to b a better person but not for any good reason. I should want to be a a better person because Christ commanded that we love our neighbors. I went and looked at the verse in Matthew regarding this and well yea I know I wasn't loving God like I should b but reading that I am not following the greatest commandments given then how can I really follow Jesus. I am a Christian but how can i expect others to want to know more about Christ if I am not completely in love with Him?? I know people at work know I am a Christian and people at school but just in general. I have never saw "Can you believe what God did for me this week?" Am i wrong for not doing that or no I just hide my feelings well.

I need to vent

Alright...Daniel and I are no longer together. i feel like i sorta pushed it this way. I wasn't happy at all, I couldn't look a picture anymore and smile at it like before. I feel like I am a once a month girlfriend maybe.. I like knowing he will b there when I need him the most not so far away. His mother warned us that not dating would b best..did we listen? No, this is the third time we have broken up..maybe she was right..actually I am pretty sure she is right. Well alright, Daniel broke up with me on a Wednesday, and being normal Jennifer thought Thursday I would b happy and just cuz I didn't have to worry about Daniel and I anymore then I would b happy. How Wrong could I be..I was miserable, u think one thing knowing that it will make u happier in the long run, but your still heartbroken in a weird way. I haven't cried much since Daniel left in August, but I think then I prepared myself for the worse. I am gonna miss a lot of things about our relationship. I am gonna miss his family for one thing, I loved his family they were amazing. I want to say kisses and hugs but then I start to think about it and realize our relationship started out with lust. Nothing bad..he just kissed me a long time before we were dating and that is what got us talking, and no i didn't want him to kiss me. Very few people know where this 1st kiss was even though a ton of people were there at the same time. I just wanted instant gratification like society is now a days..I want results instantly like a digital camera. I read something on myspace a little bit ago from a person who i kno for a while didn't like me b cuz his girlfriend didn't like me but she broke up with him recently and I was reading sumthing he wrote which made me cry reading. "You know, sometimes it feels like God isn't there, that he;s stepped all over you and ran as far away as he could. When in reality, it's ourselves who has probably kicked ourselves and forced us to fall. When we want something so bad and hold onto it so tight that we are not willing to let God have his way and we put that thing or person or relationship or item or anything above God, then we will have problems. The human heart is too small for two loves" I started t0 cry reading that.. That is what I did...I cared about my happiness rather than what God wanted me to do. I am still unsure of God's Plan for me right now. I am praying for Him to show me His desire for me and also His Blueprints for my life. Well All i ask is that you pray for me and Daniel. He says he isn't heartbroken but I know for sure he is. I feel bad, I still care about him and I can honestly say I think I loved him. When i talk to him on the phone I can't say I love you anymore..it hurts saying it. I know at one point it felt like love, and hopefully that was what I was feeling but now it feels awkward like an over used phrase. Ok well just PLEASE PRAY!! Thanks a lot!
<3 Jennifer!

thinking

its better to cross the line & suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life

A week from the very dark pits of you know where...

Ok Last week must have been the worse week in a very long time. Monday, I went to school had b ball practice wasn't feeling good after ball practice. So I went home did homework and laid down. Tuesday, i ended up not going to school at all cuz i still didn't feel good. Wednesday, I went to school, and things were starting to get really hectic with Valentines Day and Spaghetti dinner and so much other stuff. Thursday, I had a b ball game at 6 at the school for the 1st round of the play-offs. We WOn!! Friday, I had some tests and quizzes which I felt like I didn't do my best but my grades prove otherwise. Friday we had another game at TCS, it was agnsit Victory from Gastonia, It was supposed to be senior nite but no one regonized the seniors until we were pulled out and someone screamed way to go seniors. Saturday, i went to work from 9-5:30 then had b ball practice from 7-8 and then took Molly home. Sunday, I worked from 9-3 came home and did some school work, and then went down to my grandmas for my aunts b day party. Well I still wasn't feeling well. Monday rolls around...BIG Game day! I got to school late, and well we left school at 11:30 to make our way down to North Augusta to play Victory. Last time, we played victory we lost horribly and I was in the ninth grade. Tonight we lost 50-17. I had 7, Dorothy had 7, ferster had 2, and Taylor had 1. I was really upset I really wanted to go all the way to state. I cried after the game it was really heart breaking. This is my last basketball game probably ever competitively. I was very upset as so was Dorothy, Heidi didn't seem like she cared which hurt 2. I don't know I just feel really upset and that things couldn't get worse. my grades are pretty decent at school but I am so busy. I am taking honors and just regular classes is really hard maybe things will get easier really soon.

2 posts in one...

Alright...
J.J. Redicks Jersey was retired yesterday..YAY!! The devils lost tho, :(. I can finally go get the jersey, so i will have his name on it. While I was watching the ceremony, baby Tyler was sitting on my lap and I had him propped up so he could watch TV with me. I started thinking if Tyler grows up a Duke fan then he will have seen one of the greats of my time get his jersey retired, that might not mean much to a lot of people but I am a HUGE duke fan and i would have loved to have watch basketball when i was growing up. Heather is now five, and well i started her young too. She loves coming to my basketball games, and afterwards she'll go "you did good Aunt Jennifer" or "I want to play like you when I grow up Aunt Jennifer" We will shoot hoops out front and she'll get frustrated cuz she doesn't make the basket then she will go "can you lower?" I will tell her no, cuz one I can't but I tell her that If she is gonna be good like me she needs to shoot on the big kids goal. I am telling you for a five year old, she shots better than me when i was in 7th grade. that might be overdoing it, but she is pretty good for her age.

MUSIC IS A BIG PART OF MY LIFE

I got a cd for Christmas from Mrs.Taylor titled "Anything worth Saying" By: Aaron Shust. I knew the song "My Savior, My God" by the back of my hand but I was listening to another song, and really just listening to the words for once and well it just made me think. Here are the Lyrics:
"Glory To You"

Great god of might, great god of wonders
giver of life, giver of grace
creator of everything before us
you had me in mind before the stars were in place

Your love surpasses all by far
We're praising You for all you are

The reason we're here and the reason we sing
is to thank you oh god and give praise to the king
we lift up our hands and we lift up our eyes and sing
you are holy
The reason we're here and the reason we sing
is to thank you oh god and give praise to the king
we lift up our hands and we lift up our minds
and we pray that all we do would bring glory to you

father of love. father of mercy
what have I done that you would think about me?
you've taken my shame, you've taken my sorrow
replaced them with life and life abundantly

you can see inside my heart
you can see inside my mind
So strip away the things
that leave me deaf and blind


I really just had to stop and focus on those words cuz God is amazing, but do I ever realize how great He is. I don't really I take advantage of Him all the time. He made everything, and do i take the time everyday to thank Him? No, I am very selfish and would rather go on doing my thing then focusing on His thang for me that day. Another Song that I really like is by: Todd Agnew "My Jesus"

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with theives and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that You follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right on by on
the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me in I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus

Not a posterchild for American prosperity,
but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that
means to be like you Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You
but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like my Jesus

I am not gonna explain anything there, but I remember sum thing Russ Lee said when he was there and I am gonna go do homework after that.

When Russ Lee was giving his testimony he mentioned the Sunday he went to church, if you didn't know, he was a drug dealer, he was wearing jeans and his paw-paws shirt and he said he felt like everyone was staring at him. He wasn't dirty or anything he just didn't fit in. Just Imagine, Jesus walking down the aisle of your church, not knowing it was Jesus. People would get scared thinking bad thoughts and maybe thinking he would steal because he looked a certain way. Why are we like that? If we went and talked to people on the streets and explained to them Jesus lived like this, and He was with the thieves and lairs, maybe they would want something to do with HIm, instead of just beating with the Bible.

Not good at this kinda stuff, but it was just bothering me so yea.

Here Once again..

I haven't written in a blog in like so so long! I need to get better at doing this regularly cuz it really helps to know that it is off my mind. This is my senior year in high school and well It is finally hitting me that i won't be around the teachers who have influenced my life so much and also my coaches and those that watched me grow. We had a b ball game last night it was the last regular season home game ever. We won...:) of course..we are going to play-offs cuz we are 2nd in conference! We got our cap and gown pics bak yesterday and well it really hit me "This is it, your almost done". College is rolling around quickly. Deadlines are approaching!! I have been accepted into Gardner-Webb University and waiting on Erskine and CSU. My walk with Christ has grown in a personal way. We ordered Graduation invitations the other day and well tons of people will be inviting including my elementary mentor. I am scared now...that it will all be over in a blink of an eye. I used to beg for high school to end but I am scared of losing memories and friends. Dorothy and I are GREAT friends and we might not go to the same college and our friendship will have to last cuz u can almost never find a true friend like Dorothy. I have so many memories that I remember that make me want to cry. Basketball coaches, volleyball, and just teachers who i will miss so much when I am in college and need someone older to run to and talk to. I am crying...last night was bad but senior nite will b bad plus also if we lose play-offs or if we win state. Coach Shope has coached me in b ball from 7th-10th grade and he taught me most of my b ball skills and seeing him at b ball games that he isn't coaching just to watch us play means the world to me. Alright I'll stop for now...hopefully i will update more regular. :)